Business letter 101 - Requesting for a raise

A friend recently asked me how to ask for a raise in salary offered in a new prospect company.

As written by my friend:

Dear Sir,

However, would it be possible for me to get (amount of money proposed) for my basic salary? I am very keen to join your company and love the new prospects at (name of soon-to-be new company).

Sincerely,

(Signature)

Well, I think that letter is too straight forward and doesn't carry any emotional values that appeals to the new prospect company. This is what I think which would be more appropriate:

Dear Sir,

Thank you for offering me your invitation to join your company soon. I would love to have this opportunity to share my experiences and my knowledge to work closely together.

However, I would like to share with you my current situation. My present company values me highly as their current employee and I am very attached to my present company too. It may be more justifiable for my move if I'm getting (insert amount of money desired) instead of (currently offered salary) as they would like to view my offer letter from you too.

I'm very keen to work with you soon and to explore all the new prospects and opportunities at (name of new company). Thank you for your co-operation in advance. I hope to hear from you soon.

Yours Sincerely,

(Signature of applicant)

Let me explain why.

First paragraph, you thank them for offering you an invitation to work with them. This doesnt put you in a lesser position than them. Notice the usage of the word invitation instead of offer. So, it appears to change the mood of the letter. Then you proceed to say you love to have this opportunity to shrea your expertise with them. Everyone loves benefits, and you are telling them with your employment with them, you are offering them a benefit.

Second paragraph, you ask your subject matter. Importance is, the mood has already changed after your first paragragh. You're no longer looking desperate and eager. You sound more poised and composed and it's almost justifiable for them to give you a raise.

Third paragraph, you are showing your enthusiasm for working with them soon. On the whole, your letter has transformed into a different note than a normal, dry, straight-in-the-face request for a salary increase.

The trick is not to lie in your letter, but to use a few choice words to totally change the mood of your letter.

My 2 cents